The other night I was talking to her about the game since she’s never played before and my head started to pound. The high from my previous creative writing shitpost that I’d been riding for the past few days was wearing off and I was coming down, hard. I needed a fix. But how? I couldn’t think of anything to write about; I hadn’t been tossing around any ideas in my head.

And then it dawned on me. Why not take the innocent and adorable conversation my girlfriend and I were having about our island name (Augusta Islands, for the month we started dating) and hair color and house locations and completely turn it on its head? In a community of supportive and friendly and passionate fans, anxiously awaiting the latest release, why not be the villain?

AITA for telling my girlfriend to get her own copy of Animal Crossing?

So around a month ago I (31M) preordered the new Animal Crossing game that comes out next week. I’ve been a huge Animal Crossing fan since the original 2001 GameCube version and to say I’m excited would be an understatement.

My girlfriend (23F) lives with me and she has never been a gamer. I’ve tried to play games with her but she just isn’t good. She has no concept of defense in Rocket League, she can’t hold a candle to me in Smash and the only time she ever wins Mario Party is if she gets bullshit bonus stars. You get the point. Gaming just isn’t her thing, which is fine. I still love her and it’s never been an issue.

The other day she apparently stumbled upon a YouTube video of the new Animal Crossing game and started telling me how excited she was to play. I asked her if she was going to purchase another copy and another Switch and she was stunned. She asked me why she would need to get her own when I already ordered one and I explained to her that it isn’t the type of the game you share.

She got all upset and told me that she thought it would be cute to live in the same village and be neighbors and I told her that simply wasn’t the case. There’s only one town per game, and I don’t want somebody who has zero concept of how the game should actually be played making decisions that negatively affect the town. I don’t want her stealing exotic fruits from my orchard that I plan to sell, I don’t want her buying furniture from Tom Nook’s that I might want to adorn my living room with and I certainly don’t want her placing her house next to mine because she thinks it’s cute, thus spoiling what I plan to develop into a lavish estate.

She told me that it was just a game and she thought we could bond over it but we’ve never been able to bond over games so why start now? Of course she doesn’t get that it’s a game in which grinding and planning is key. I can’t be prevented from carrying out my vision simply because she wants to run around with her dumbass pink-haired character catching butterflies or making a constellation out of our initials which I know she would do.

I told her it was nothing personal, that I still love her, but she started crying and told me she doesn’t want to play the stupid game anyway. I kind of feel bad but I also feel like it’s unreasonable for her to just assume she can just insert herself into one of my passions without considering how disruptive doing so actually is. I make more than her so I even offered to buy her her own console and game but she said that wasn’t the point and now I’m lost. AITA?

To be honest, I was worried that people wouldn't buy the whole 31-year-old man obsessing over a game with cute, talking animals but they bit this one hard. I love video games but I think the whole "gamer" identity is incredibly lame but apparently "gamers" take this kind of stuff very seriously. And they especially don't react kindly to any suggestion that gaming is not a space for women.

Amazingly enough, however, the true Animal Crossing diehards, those who understood the struggles of sharing a town with others, came to my defense. A few of them, afraid of catching heat in the echo chamber that is Reddit, messaged me privately.

This one martyr actually jumped to my defense in the Reddit thread and got downvoted to hell.

I actually reached out to /u/gripleg in an attempt to find the Facebook group where the argument was happening. Unfortunately, he said it looked like it got removed because the two sides were at each other’s throats. I was disappointed at missing the chance to put faces to the grown adults fighting over the merits of my fictional argument but the fact that it happened at all brings tears of joy to my eyes.

But perhaps the most rewarding part of all of this was actually the confirmation that I’m actually an extremely cute and romantic boyfriend:

Yeah, so just so everyone knows, I, the insensitive man in the relationship, came up with that. And it’s the first thing I’m doing when I download the game on Friday morning. Now every time she looks up at the night sky and sees our initials etched into the stars, she’ll be reminded of how the whole internet collectively swooned over such an act and remember how lucky she is to have me. But seriously, when this becomes a thing that couples do, I want credit for it.

And finally, shoutout to the Twitter user who made this:

If you're liking my series please check out The Shitpost Diaries VI: DISillusioned where I take aim at some of the most insufferable people on social media: Disney couples.

I knew that my fourth post had to be something different. The previous three had all in some capacity dealt with ungrateful and at times terrible boyfriend, and I knew that I needed a new angle. But what? A quick reflection on my college days brought back recollections of my ultimately fruitless times spent in creative writing workshops, and suddenly, I had my inspiration.

Alexander was in the 12-person creative writing course that I took my junior year. While everyone in the class took fiction writing far more seriously than they should have, Alexander was by far the worst. He believed himself to be the next Pynchon, locking himself in his room even on Friday and Saturday night as he labored over a Word document in a vain attempt to unlock the human condition. He also happened to live on my floor.

When it was his week to turn in his piece for discussion, he submitted an 82-page “first chapter” written in the maximalist style of DFW’s Infinite Jest, which he had admitted to me he had never actually read. The professor had him give it to the class two weeks in advance so we could digest it properly, and I never read a word of it because fuck that. Throughout those two weeks I often bumped into Alexander in the hallway or the bathroom where he’d inevitably ask me how the reading was coming along. I always told him that I hadn’t gotten to it yet because I was busy with other work, but I’m sure he could tell from my bloodshot eyes and cinnamon whisky breath that I had other priorities, and I could see the disapproval in his bespectacled eyes.

I’ll never forget the day his workshop finally came when, after I added nothing to the discussion, he singled me out in front of the whole class and asked me if I had anything to contribute. I didn’t, of course, and I could feel my face turning red as I sputtered out a sentence something along the lines of “I think everyone else pretty much said what I think.”

Looking back, I probably should have just read his piece. But as every writer knows, writers are the worst, and I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction. If you’re reading this, Alexander, sorry for not reading your piece, but thanks for the inspiration.

AITA for calling a student in my creative writing class a “feeble-minded twit”?

I am a creative writing major. I’ve always had an infinity for storytelling. I was writing dialogue in the first grade and by the time I graduated high school I had penned hundreds of pieces, most of which were roman á clefs in the spirit of Hemingway. A lot of people counseled me against majoring solely in creative writing, but it’s my calling.

I’m in a year long creative writing thesis course with nine other students. Admission to the course was selective, and the coursework primarily consists of workshopping creative writing pieces with the rest of the class. Four of the students are poets which can often prove burdensome to the rest of us as they have very little grasp on the conventions of fiction.

Anyway, earlier this week it was my turn to be workshopped. I turned in a 59-page piece that I had been pouring my heart into since the summer, the first chapter of a novel based loosely on a girl I hooked up with during my freshman year. Thematically, it focused on the transience of romance, self-medication, powerful sex, and time. I was really excited to hear what the class had to say.

To start, my professor praised my control of language and use of metaphor. Other classmates lauded the dialogue which has always been a strength of mine, and the only hot girl in the class described it as “raw,” so I was riding high.

Then Luke, a sporty douche who writes shitty poems, spoke. He basically tore my whole manuscript apart. He said he found the structure (á la Proust) confusing, the cunnilingus descriptions gratuitous, and the protagonist self-indulgent and unlikeable.

I obviously took offense to this, and asked him if he had actually read the piece or if he was just a “feeble-minded twit.” The whole class gasped at this, and he told me I was out of line. After class, the professor spoke to me and told me that if I wasn’t able to take constructive criticism then I shouldn’t be in the workshop, and if I insulted another classmate again he would fail me. I realize I probably could have chosen my words better, but am I really the asshole here? Luke went out of his way to bash my story in front of the whole class, and it was hurtful to watch something so deeply personal be ripped apart.

Despite my concerns that the post may have been a little too on-the-nose, it nonetheless duped an amazing amount of people, many of whom were keen to point out the difference between “affinity” and “infinity.”

Naturally, many of the initial Reddit comments did in fact call the post out for being satire. Many unsure of whether or not to take the post at face value called for excerpts from the piece, which I was all too happy to provide.

For some reason, a lot of people found this more offensive than the original post.

Needless to say, it was another fulfilling journey, even earning me a feature on @menwritewomen and a retweet from Dana Schwartz, creator of the parody @GuyinYourMFA Twitter account, from which I undoubtedly drew inspiration.

The icing on the cake, though, was that some loser even took time out of his day to make this:

Once again, thank you Alexander for being the inspiration behind all of this. I couldn’t have done it without you. I still don’t feel bad about not reading your piece, though. We were English majors, dude. We already had more than enough to read.

Three days later, I was back shitposting again, and this time I turned to the Animal Crossing community to stir up some trouble. Check out the post that was so bad it was featured on Polygon: The Shitpost Diaries V: More Than a Game.

YTA: You’re the asshole

NTA: Not the asshole

ESH: Everyone sucks here

NAH: No assholes here

After my initial account had been exposed by Twitter, I knew I had to venture into other subs, and AITA was ripe for trolling. All I needed was a controversial topic, and Harry Potter houses proved perfect.

AITA for insisting my girlfriend would be in Slytherin

Got into this argument with my girlfriend the other day. We both agreed that I would be in Ravenclaw because they value intelligence and I graduated college cum laude and have read Faulkner. But we couldn’t agree on what house she belongs to.

She was adamant that she belongs in Gryffindor and I just had to call her out on it. I told her she was only saying that because Harry was in Gryffindor and that as a white girl whose dad is a lawyer and whose mother is a clinical psychologist, she’s never had to overcome anything in her life. One of the tenets of the Gryffindor ethos is courage, and it doesn’t take courage to drive around in the Audi that your dad bought you.

So of course she gets mad at this, further proving my point. She asks me what house I would sort her into, and I tell her Slytherin. And she responds exactly as a Slytherin would. She frowns, turns red, and then tells me I’m an idiot, I don’t know what I’m talking about, and that she’s taken the quiz on Pottermore multiple times and is always sorted into Gryffindor, so why the fuck would I say she’s a Slytherin?

I value honestly in a relationship so I basically told her that she comes from a rich, 100% Irish family, and that she tends to be a bitch when she doesn’t get her way, like right now. She flips out. We start fighting. I probably should’ve just told her that she was a Gryffindor but I was heated so instead I doubled down and said that even her sexual proclivities would point to Slytherin because she’s a dom (which I love) but she still refused to see my point.

She told me I was an asshole taking a discussion about fictional houses so seriously but like I said, I value honesty, and I think the house a woman chooses for herself says a lot about how she views herself and the person she aspires to be. AITA?

The post evoked a variety of responses, many of which were from the “Read Another Book” crowd which I didn’t even know was a thing. More interestingly, it ignited a debate on both Twitter and Reddit about the merits of the four Harry Potter houses.

I couldn’t help but feed the flames, just a little bit.

Ultimately, this post led to my crowning achievement. When people ask me what drives me, the reason I do what I do, I can only point to this:

If you like this material, check out The Shitpost Diaries IV: Picasso’s Brush, where I take up the mantle of aspiring novelist, and shock the internet with my pretentiousness and purple prose.

Girlfriend (21F) isn’t talking to me (23M) because I suggested her Bitmoji was too hit

So me and my girlfriend of course text a lot and like to send Bitmojis back and forth. I mainly like to use the “Send pics” Bitmoji which doesn’t always work but she’s always sending them, for good mornings, goodnights and everything in between which I think is cute.

Anyway yesterday she sends me a Bitmoji in the middle of the day. She must have updated it because this Bitmoji was HOT. Like it had flowing hair, these big, gorgeous eyes, and was wearing this tight, sexy dress that my girlfriend would never have the confidence to wear in real life.

Don’t get me wrong, my girlfriend is beautiful, but this Bitmoji was legit flawless. So I just reply back, “Is that supposed to be you?” She replies, “Obviously,” at which point I say it doesn’t really look like her at all, and she should go back to her old Bitmoji that wore a cute coat and was, well, slightly pudgier.

She flips her shit. Starts saying I don’t love her, I’m not attracted to her, and all this crazy shit. She told me to leave her alone and hasn’t answered any of my texts even though I’ve been bombarding her with “I love you” Bitmojis since last night.

We’ve always communicated very openly about everything so I am just surprised that after being together for 2 years she reacted like this, over a Bitmoji. I mean seriously guys this could have been Emily Ratajkowski’s Bitmoji, that’s how perfect it looked. Any suggestions on how to proceed? Is this relationship salvageable?

tldr: told my girlfriend her Bitmoji was hotter than her and now she’s pissed and not talking to me

Though I thought the post would receive a similar reception to my previous IHG post, it proved more controversial than expected. The ever angry users of Twitter were quick to jump down my throat, leveling accusations of poor communication and body shaming against me.

I was also accused of being sexually into cartoons which if you don’t count Jessica Rabbit is absolutely not true.

Then, amidst the vitriol being spewed forth, emerged a single voice of reason:

And just like that I was burned. Somebody had noticed my username, “IHGPlatinumElite”—and put two and two together:

After being exposed, I knew I needed to move on: to a new account, and, more importantly, to a new subreddit. Fortunately, Reddit’s Am I The Asshole? subreddit, in which users seek judgment at the hands of the internet, was fertile ground.

Check out the Shitpost Diaries III: A Ravenclaw Reads Faulkner, where I went on to spawn a heated debate about the Harry Potter houses, while simultaneously getting William Faulkner trending on Twitter, just for the hell of it.

I feel like my girlfriend doesn’t appreciate the fact that I’m an IHG Platinum Elite Rewards member enough

The title says it all. I signed up for the card in August. Threw down the $95 annual fee like it was nothing. Let my mom buy the groceries with it for a few weeks so I could hit the $3000 necessary to achieve the 120,000 bonus points.

And I just flexed on her. Not on my mom on my girlfriend. Dropped 20000 points for a night at the local Holiday Inn Express, complete with a continental breakfast.

But she just doesn’t seem impressed. We walk in the front door and approach the concierge, where I slide my license that expired two weeks ago across the counter, followed by the silver, spinning IHG MasterCard that reflects every last drop of light in the room.

“Thank you for being an IHG Rewards Club member,” she says, and she means it. She begins to check me into the room when I flash a wink at my girlfriend and drop the line: “I was wondering if it was possible to upgrade rooms, since I’m a, you know, Platinum Elite Status. It is--one of the perks.”

She flashes me another one of those smiles out of a Philip Marlowe story and swipes another card. “I can upgrade you to the suite.”

I nod.

“There you go,” she says, “a suite. Room 212.” I don’t say thank you because I don’t have to. I’m Platinum Elite Status.

The suite doesn’t have a jacuzzi like I had hoped, but it does have a couch which I’m sure I’ll be fucking on later thanks to my IHG card.

We go out for drinks with her friends. I open up a tab for everyone under my card, letting them know it’s 4 points per dollar on everything for the first year, so load it up.

She gets hammered. Starts screaming Alanis Morissette at the karaoke bar. And finally we head back to the suite where she eats her double XL chalupa, throws up in the trash can, and falls asleep. Meanwhile I’m laying next to her like an asshole, listening to her snore, trying to decide whether or not it’s creepy to touch her ass, and staring at the couch that held every possibility in the universe only hours before.

I just don’t know what to do. What’s the point in being an IHG Rewards member if the points and the Platinum Elite status don’t turn her on?

Thankfully, this didn’t go over too many heads. Most appreciated it for what it was, a satire of people who take their credit/reward card perks just a sad too seriously, although many of the details, such as my awkward attempt to get upgraded to a suite at the front desk, were rooted in real life inspiration.

There were a few gems, though:

This last guy is clearly Spire Elite, a milestone I have yet to reach.

And then, of course, there were the incredibly perceptive Twitter users who saw this for what it truly was: a brilliant, innovative means of guerilla marketing sponsored by none other than the omnipresent Intercontinental Hotel Group itself.

Sign up for the IHG Rewards Card today and automatically be upgraded to Platinum Elite Status. We’ll even upgrade you to a room with a couch.

While I was exhilarated at the time from all of the anonymous adoration, I never anticipated at the time that trolling the angry, excitable and opinionated communities of Reddit and Twitter would become a hobby of mine. I would go on to spawn a heated debate over of the four Harry Potter houses, break the hearts of Animal Crossing fanatics everywhere, and incense the expansive community of internet users who like the call themselves “writers,” among many other things.

Years later, too, I would find my IHG post at the top of /r/churning.

churning link

Some might it shitposting. I call it art.

And this was just the beginning.

Check out The Shitpost Diaries Part 2: A Bangable Bitmoji, and if you enjoyed this content, please consider signing up for my mailing list below!